Globechadder

Ten tips of air travel etiquette

1. Just because you can recline your seat back fully does not mean that you have to; remember that there is someone behind you who may not want to sleep at 18:00. We all want to recline the seat back a little bit and those fully upright seats hurt your back, but it is only polite to remember that there is someone behind you. So much for that free internet.

2. On a 4.5-hour flight, it is nice to have those little televisions in the back the seat in front of you, even if the seat is reclined fully. I was even fortunate enough to find a couple episodes of “House” on BRAVO to watch for the flight, complete with fingerlings. What might a fingerling be, you ask? My polite forward flight neighbor decided to stretch her hands behind her head quite often, grabbing my touch screen television. Not only did this prohibit me from watching my show, it changed the channel! Again, it is only polite to remember that you are not in a private jet when you do things.
3. It is my laptop and I will look at porn if I want! Okay, maybe not since that would show a total disregard for etiquette as well, however it is my laptop and you should just read your magazine and worry less about what I am typing. I get that we are in a public space, but would you really appreciate it if I cuddled up with you to read your book? “Hold on, I am a slow reader…. okay, now turn.”
4. On my last flight from LAX to SYD, I had an aisle seat. I was so excited that the person in my row that had the window seat closed the window shade. To my dismay, she liked to screw with everyone’s eyes and randomly check the status of the outside world. Just so you know, you see nothing but water and clouds when fly fifteen hours over the Pacific Ocean. There is nothing to look at and the world is still there; just check the little GPS map… still there!
   Now, I am probably a little crazy, and yes, I said “little.” When I fly, I prefer a window seat so I can close the shade and keep it closed; it is even better when I can control two shades! Moreover, I decide which side of the plane I should sit on based on the time of day (sunrise/sunset) and direction of flight. If someone if going to control a window, or two, he/she may as well be responsible enough to keep the plane cool by keeping them closed.

5. Being stuck in the middle seat really sucks and even if you have to fight for it, at least a piece of one of those armrests should be yours. Regardless of where you are seated, however, the armrests are the divisions of personal sovereignty. Some unnamed German flight neighbors with small mustaches tend to intrude on your space and it is much unappreciated. This goes back to simply remembering that other people do exists. As social as humans are supposed to be, I find it challenging to fathom that so many people think they are the only ones in the world that matter.
6. Do you really need to eat a greasy cheeseburger with garlic and extra onions at this very juncture? Not only is this just gross, but it also fills the cabin with a stench and that not-so-fresh greasy feeling. This not only affects your neighbor, but the whole cabin. I would dare to suspect this might have been the cause of the 9/11 attacks. It was not Americans; it was fried onion rings with garlic mayonnaise! I am personally a fiend for protein bars, sans the sugar alcohols, on a flight. They are quick, clean, and selecting the right one, not too bad for you.
7. FYI: I am sitting next to you on a flight because we are going to the same location and, based on my seat options and no prior knowledge of what I was getting myself into, I chose this seat. I am not sitting beside you because I want to be best friends, hear about your touching family moments, your dying Aunt Gertrude, or how arrogant you can be when you are astounded that you were not upgraded because you are ALWAYS upgraded except this time. Point being, occasional casual talk *may* be okay with some people, depending on circumstances, but many people no one wants to hear your autobiography; trust me, I am one of them.
8. Really? You have to use the toilet again? If you are a coke fiend or have some bad plumbing, I really do not care until you combine it with a romance for a window seat in my row. If someone is trying to rest, or worse… eat dinner, maybe they do not want to awkwardly move everything every hour so that you can use the rest room. Not that I am singling any people out on this one, but if you drink a lot of hot tea on a flight, it will eventually want to come back out; maybe you should get yourself an aisle seat. Personally, I will skip the tea and take my window, but we have gone over that already.
9. “Fiddle-dee-dee! I bet you tell all the girls that you have Parkinson’s.” No one really likes that guy who bounces his leg and shakes the ground next to you, but when you are on a flight in connecting seats, I really do not like that guy. There is little worse than spending a few hours having someone try to give you Shaken Baby Syndrome.
10. Speaking of: Children; that is all that I have to say about that.